


In This World

by Maayacola



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 01:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maayacola/pseuds/Maayacola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In one world, Kame would have told Jin he loved him. But in this world, Kame does nothing but silently clench his fists, because Kame never knows what to say to Jin, because Jin means too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In This World

**Author's Note:**

> tense changes a lot, on purpose

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

Kame and Jin might never have fought. One day, after a grueling rehearsal, Jin would tell Kame he was leaving for America to study English for 6 months, and Kame’s heart would stop beating in his chest with the impossibility of separation. Kame would put his hand on Jin’s thigh, and feel it tighten under his hand. He would lean forward and catch Jin’s eyes, and Jin would flush. Kame would say, softly, “Stay with me,” and Jin would visibly swallow. Kame would reach a hand up, caress the mole by Jin’s left eye, and whisper “please,” and Jin would bite his lower lip. Then Kame would lean forward, just a bit, and press his lips to Jin’s, and it would be perfect. Then Jin would exhale lightly onto Kame’s mouth, before kissing him back. And then Jin would stay. Stay with Kame.

 

But that’s not what happens.

 

**What does happen:**

 

Jin tells Kame he’s leaving for 6 months to study English in America, and Kame’s heart stops beating in his chest with the impossibility of separation. Kame reaches out to put his hand on Jin’s thigh, but then he remembers Management, and Johnny, and the other members of KAT-TUN, and Ueda’s disapproving face when he sees Kame staring at Jin across the rehearsal room for a moment too long to be friendly. He remembers that Jin will never like him back the same way, that Jin’s been pulling away from him recently, and that Kame is not enough to change his mind, not anymore. “Okay,” he whispers. Jin frowns at him.

 

And Jin leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

_Dear Jin,_

_I hope things are going well in America! Do you like American girls? Do you like American food? Who am I kidding, of course you do! You like all food, right? Anyway, things here are going okay. They’d be better if you were here. You’d better be studying English hard, Jin, otherwise all of us are going to be mad at you for going over there to do nothing but party!_

_I miss you. Come home soon._

_Kame_

_Dear Kame,_

_America is great! American girls are even better. I eat cheeseburgers every day, and I’m getting really fat. Haha. I am studying hard! I miss you too. ^_~_

_Jin_

 

 

**What does happen:**

Kame doesn’t contact Jin the entire time he’s gone. Not even once. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if Jin wants to know how much Kame misses him.

 

When Jin comes back, he’s colder to Kame, and Kame doesn’t really know what to do. He never does. Their eyes meet, and Jin’s gaze is a little uninterested. Kame feels a small piece of his heart die.

 

He should’ve written, but Kame never knows what to do, or say, when it comes to Jin, because he means too much.

 

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

“I’m leaving the band. Johnny’s making it official next week.”

 

Kame would drop his water bottle in shock, and he would grab onto Koki’s shoulder for support. “What?”

 

“Johnny says I have to leave the band,” Jin would repeat, and Kame would clench his fist into Koki’s shirt, and Koki would look over at him worriedly, before he would look back at Jin.

 

Kame would force a smile onto his face, and say: “It’s okay, Jin, we’ll still be a family,” and Kin would smile back at him, and then Kame’s smile would be real.

 

But that’s not what happens:

 

**What actually happens:**

 

“I’m leaving the band. Johnny’s making it official next week.”

 

Kame drops his water bottle in shock, and he grabs onto Koki’s shoulder for support. “What?”

 

“Johnny says I have to leave the band,” Jin repeats, and Kame lets go of Koki’s shirt and stands up straighter, pace a perfect idol mask.

 

“Fine,” he says, and turns away, looking anywhere but at Jin.

 

“Is that all you have to say to me?” Jin whispers, and Kame turns back toward him, still avoiding his eyes. He concentrates on a patch of water-damaged wall behind Jin, and talks to it. “Well, it’s not the first time you’ve left us, is it? We’re fine as 5 members. Do what you want.”

 

Jin scowls at him, and throws his soda on the floor in frustration. “Fine,” he says, and storms off.

 

Nakamaru turns to him, and frowns. “When did you become so cold?”

 

Kame shrugs, because he doesn’t feel cold, he feels hot, so hot, like the room is on fire. Things start swimming before his eyes, and he passes out.

 

When he stirs, a few minutes later, the others are looking at him a bit too knowingly, and Jin has still left the band.

 

Nakamaru gives him a sad smile. “I see,” he says, and Kame knows he can. “There’s nothing we can do. Nothing HE can do, either.”

 

But Kame disagrees. Jin could have fought for them, to keep them, if he wanted. Jin could have tried.

 

Kame’s hands clench into fists.

 

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

Kame would call Jin, and tell him they need to talk. Jin would agree, and Kame would drive over to Jin and Yamashita’s apartment. Jin would answer the door in a tank top and jeans, and Kame would swallow because his throat would be dry. Jin would invite Kame in, and they’d sit down on the worn plaid couch that Yamashita refuses to part with, even though it’s been dead for years really, and Kame would say “I’m sorry for being a dick,” and Jin would look up at him with surprise. “I miss you being part of the group,” Kame would say, confidently. “And I wish you hadn’t left, and that I’d tried to be more supportive.” Jin would gape at him, because Kame is not the sort to apologize. And then he would hand Kame a beer, and they’d watch the baseball game together, and Kame would lean up against Jin’s shoulder and Jin would smile at him and throw an arm over his shoulder, and then Kame would fall asleep, nestled into Jin’s warmth.

 

 

**What actually happens:**

 

Kame calls Jin, and tell him they need to talk. Jin agrees, hesitantly, and Kame drives over to Jin and Yamashita’s apartment. Jin answer the door in a pair of sweats, and Kame swallows because his throat is dry. Jin invites Kame in, and is surprised to see that the plaid couch is gone. (“Pi lost a bet,” Jin explains, “and the forfeit was the couch.”) They sit down on its replacement, a smooth leather thing that feels sticky in the April humidity. “Why is everything so complicated with you?” Kame blurts out, and then winces. “That’s not what I meant to say,” Kame says, and then he draws in a deep breath, and opens his mouth to apologize, and then Jin is kissing him.

 

Kame is too shocked to respond, and so Jin starts to draw back, but then Kame’s brain catches up, and he grabs Jin’s hair and drags him close again, kissing him hard. Jin moans as Kame delves into his mouth with wide strokes of his tongue, dragging it along the walls of Jin’s mouth as if to taste every available surface. Jin’s nails dig into Kame’s shoulders where they awkwardly clutch him.

 

And then Jin is reaching for the closure to Kame’s jeans, and fumbling with the button, and Kame helps him remove them, and then reaches into the waistband of Jin’s sweatpants and grasps his cock. Jin gasps, and _of course_ he’s vocal,  Kame thinks, because everything Jin does is loud, and Kame isn’t surprised to find sex isn’t any different.

 

Jin suddenly lifts Kame up, and he squeaks, and then Jin is carrying him to his bedroom and throwing him roughly onto the bed. He pulls of Kame’s shirt, and then his jeans, and then looks him the eyes. “Okay?” Kame nods, and Jin takes his cock into his mouth.

 

Kame watches through slit, disbelieving eyes, as Jin bobs up and down on his cock, staring at Kame all the while, something dark and unreadable in his eyes. Kame feels himself getting close, and drags Jin up to his mouth, to kiss him again and again and again. He feels Jin’s erection, hard and hot against his hip, and grinds upward, just to feel Jin gasp into his mouth. “Fuck me,” Kame whispers, and Jin’s cock twitches, but then Jin shakes his head in the negative. “No, you fuck me,” he says, and Kame can’t help but exhale heavily just imagining Jin, who’s always so warm, surrounding him in every way. “Okay,” Kame says, and Jin reaches into the bedside table for the lube.

 

Kame quickly squirts some on his fingers, and grasping Jin’s hip with one hand, slowly slides in a finger. Jin is above him on all fours, panting, and his hair is hanging long and unkempt in Kame’s face, tickling his eyelids. Jin is everywhere, and Kame can see nothing but Jin’s concentrating, screwed up face, and feel nothing but the slick heat surrounding his finger as he slowly pumps it in and out. He adds another finger and Jin releases a soft “oh,” and Kame has never seen anything as erotic as this in his entire life. Jin looks awkward and flustered and imperfect, and it’s better than any sexual hip thrust or lewd gesture he could do on stage, because it is for Kame’s eyes alone.

 

“Just do it,” Jin grunts, and Kame lubes his erection and positions Jin above it. As Jin slides down on him, Kame can’t contain the long, deep groan he releases, and Jin, who is fully seated on him now, smiles a bit triumphantly. “Feels good, huh?” and Kame meets his eyes. Jin’s eyes are unreadable, but his face is flushed and his lips are parted slightly in pleasure. Slowly, too slowly, he starts to move up and down, gradually gaining speed until he is riding Kame’s cock at a rapid pace. Kame can barely keep up with those famous hips, just doing his best not to come to quickly and let it all end.

 

Finally, he can’t stop his impending release and grabs Jin, stroking him rapidly so they can come together. Jin makes a loud keening noise and spills, and Kame follows close behind him. They pant in unison for a minute, before Jin rolls off of him and onto the bed. He throws an arm over Kame’s hips, and says: “You don’t have any diseases, right?” And Kame shoves him, and they laugh, a little, and then Jin falls asleep, and Kame just watches him for a few minutes, incredulous at this turn of events.

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

Kame would wake up in the morning to the soft scent of Jin’s hair, and he would open his eyes and Jin would smile at him, and Kame’s heart would beat right out of his chest.

 

**What actually happens:**

 

Kame freaks out, and sneaks out of Jin’s house before dawn. He doesn’t go to work for a week, claiming pneumonia, and he doesn’t hear from Jin.

 

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

Kame and Jin would meet, on accident one day, in a coffee shop near the jimusho. Kame’s breath would catch in his throat, because Jin is as beautiful as ever. Jin would look at him, confused and hurt, and Kame would confess all of his fears and hesitations. Kame would grab his hand from across a café table, and tell him that he’d been in love with him since he was just a kid, really, and he would tell him that he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with anyone else. That he’d been scared, with all the expectations placed on him, to fight for the thing he really wanted. And Jin would smile at him, the real smile, that’s goofy and sort of unattractive, where his lower juts out further than his upper, and Kame would exhale in relief, and maybe buy him lunch. And dinner. And breakfast the next morning, and for the rest of Jin’s life.

 

**What actually happens:**

 

Kame and Jin meet, on accident one day, at a coffee shop near the jimusho. Kame’s breath catches in his throat, because Jin’s as beautiful as ever.  “Jin,” he says, and Jin turns to regard him coldly. “Kamenashi,” he says, nodding, and then he keeps walking.

 

Kame’s heart shatters to pieces right there on the floor, because Kame never knows what to do or say, because Jin means too much.

 

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might have happened like this:**

 

Jin would come to Koki’s wedding with his brother.

 

The ceremony would be beautiful. Koki would look dashing, and Kame, who would be best man, would grinning from ear to ear as he watched the happy couple exchange vows.

 

But that’s not what happens.

 

**What happens is this:**

 

Jin brings a beautiful woman with him to Koki’s wedding. Her name is Mayumi, and he’s smiling at her the whole time, except when he’s scowling at Kame. Kame knows because he’s watching Jin the whole time. He barely remembers to give Koki the ring on time during the ceremony, and his eyes focus painfully on the way Jin’s fingers are laced with that perfect woman’s, and the way he dotingly fetches her champagne flutes and feeds her from his plate during the reception. Every once in a while, he looks up and catches Kame’s eyes, and Kame can’t read him at all. Then his face starts to form a frown, before Mayumi tugs on his jacket sleeve and he looks at her and his face smoothes.

 

Kame corners him in the bathroom. “Why won’t you talk to me?” he hisses, and Jin angrily spins around. “Why did you leave?”

 

Kame can’t force out the words he really wants to say, and Jin shoves past him. “Move,” he says, and his voice is low and miserable.

 

“No, wait,” Kame says, and grabs the back of Jin’s tuxedo jacket. Jin struggles for a minute, and Kame, with a strength he didn’t know he possessed, pulls him backward into his arm. “Why don’t you understand?”

 

Jin spins in his arms. “Who could possibly understand you?!” he screams. “What do you want from me?”

 

And all Kame can do is kiss him, then. He drags Jin’s head down to his and kisses him, full on the mouth, and Jin’s mouth parts automatically, and it’s just as warm and soft inside as Kame remembered. And then Jin is pushing him back, pushing him off. “You can’t just…” Jin runs a hand through his hair. “You can’t just do whatever you want, Kamenashi. You’re not a kid anymore. I have a girlfriend, now, and she’s amazing. And I know she’ll be there when I wake up in the morning, and she says what she feels.”

 

Kame’s hands fall helplessly to his side.

 

‘What do you want?” Jin says, and his eyes are intense, and Kame swelters under their focus.

 

“I…” and he can’t force the words out.

 

“Why do I let you do this to me?” Jin whispers.

 

Jin leaves the restroom, and Kame chokes back a sob and splashes his face with water three times before going back to the reception. Jin and Mayumi are gone.

 

 

 

 

**In one world, things might happen like this:**

 

Kame would get a voicemail on his answering machine at 4:30 AM, after he gets out of the shower.

 

“Kame, meet me at the park. The one we played at as kids.”

 

And Kame would get dressed and go.

 

**It actually happens just like that.**

 

 

 

**In one world, things might happen like this:**

 

Jin will tell Kame he is going to ask Mayumi to marry him, and Kame’s heart will stop beating in his chest with the impossibility of separation. Kame will put his hand on Jin’s thigh, and feel it tighten under his hand. He will lean forward and catch Jin’s eyes, and Jin will flush. Kame will say, softly, “Stay with me,” and Jin will visibly swallow. Kame will reach a hand up, caress the mole by Jin’s right eye, and whisper “please,” and Jin will bite his lower lip. Then Kame will lean forward, just a bit, and press his lips to Jin’s, and it will be perfect. Then Jin will exhale lightly onto Kame’s mouth, before kissing him back. And then Jin will stay. Stay with Kame.

 

**What actually will happen, in this world:**

 

Kame will hesitantly put his hand on Jin’s thigh. It will shake, and so will his voice.

 

“No,” he will say, and Jin will freeze. “You can’t,” he’s say desperately, and he’ll feel tears start to build up in his eyes. His whole body will shake with fear and something else (probably unrequited love or a feverish need to make Jin understand that there is nothing left for Kame to hold onto if Jin does this.)

 

Jin will look at him with wide eyes, and Kame will forcefully grab Jin’s hand and lace their fingers together, and he will find it hard to keep breathing as he looks into Jin’s eyes and tries hard to put all of his emotions there, plain as day. Jin will bite his lower lip, and Kame will lean forward, just a bit, and press his lips to Jin, and it won’t be perfect at all. He’ll miss, and kiss the corner of Jin’s mouth instead, and their noses will bump, and Kame won’t be able to see anything because his eyes are filling with tears.

 

But then Jin will exhale lightly onto Kame’s mouth, before kissing him back. And then Jin will pull back, and grab Kame’s face in his to hands, and shake him. “Are you stupid? All you have to do is ask. All you ever had to do was ask.” And Kame will shudder and collapse into his arms, and whisper into his chest: “Stay with me,” and he will rub his nose into Jin’s shirt, inhaling the smell of chocolate cake and champagne. “Please.”

 

“Yes,” Jin will sigh. “Yes.”

 

And Jin will stay. Stay with Kame.

 


End file.
